


For You And Your Denial

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, It's just a bummer, M/M, Song fic, Yellowcard, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-05 21:39:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: “I hate you,” Sonny almost whispered. There was no venom in his words, but the pain found there was enough to break Rafael’s heart in two. “I hate you for doing this to us. To me.”“That’s fine,” Rafael said. "You can hate me.”





	For You And Your Denial

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robin Hood (kjack89)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/gifts).



> My fellow Yellowcard lover, Robin Hood, practically begged me to write this for her. ;) I hope it's what you wanted! 
> 
> It's only kind of based on the song because no matter how hard I try I can't make Rafael be truly cruel to Sonny.

Rafael had long grown accustomed to answering his phone in the middle of the night. Detectives who were eager for warrants often didn’t think about the hour, or didn’t care, their singular focus on procuring a means to search a suspect’s apartment or review their phone records _immediately_.

It was with that in mind that he groggily reached for the buzzing phone on his nightstand, not bothering to even open his eyes. It took a few tries, but he finally nabbed the offending object, swiping at the screen. “Barba.”

“Raf?”

He didn’t know how it was possible for a single syllable to be slurred, but it was. It also sounded completely and utterly pitiful.

“Sonny.” Rafael had said the name many times over the years, first soaked in nothing but derision, but then breathed from his lungs, lost on a moan in the throes of an orgasm, and finally, filled with more love than he’d ever thought his frozen over heart could manage. But now, now it was only full of disappointment, and maybe, if he was being honest with himself, despair.

“Rafi, please.” Sonny begged and Rafael sighed heavily, finally sitting up in bed, his back leaning against the headboard.

“Sonny, you can’t do this. It’s,” he pulled the phone away for a second to check the screen even though he didn’t really need to, “four o’clock in the morning.” Just after last call, like clockwork.

“But I need you. I know I fucked up, okay? I know I did, but—” Rafael heard a mild thump and Sonny mumbled an apology that was, for once, not meant for him.

“It wasn’t just that.” He didn’t know why he was trying to explain, not when Sonny was this far gone. “The thing with...your partner was just the last in a long list of reasons.” Rafael found it difficult to speak Rollins’ name these days. It wasn’t her fault and he felt no ill will toward her, but she just served as a reminder of the night Sonny burst into his apartment, near tears with guilt over an almost kiss.

An almost kiss that meant a lot more than Sonny thought it did. He didn’t think that Sonny had feelings for Rollins. How pedestrian it would have been of him to end things out of unwarranted jealousy. No, the problem was much larger and had been bothering him for some time. Sonny’s misplaced guilt, his uncertainty, his inability to tell his parents about them, were all symptoms of the cancer that had been slowly eating away at them.

If it made him the bad guy to be the one to diagnose it, so be it.  

“S’bullshit,” Sonny argued, as much fire in his voice as the alcohol would allow. “We were fine til then.”

“Were we?”

“Yes!” There was a clattering sound and then a muffled, “Ow! Goddamnit…”

“Where are you?” Rafael asked, hating that he cared, but unable to turn it off. It had been one of his most valuable skills, the ability to turn off his emotions as easily as flipping a switch, but that had all changed with Manhattan SVU, with Olivia championing every victim and cause, and, of course, with Sonny.

There was a pause, as if Sonny was trying to figure out the answer. “Dunno,” he said finally.

“Okay, here’s what I need you to do. Walk to the edge of the sidewalk—not into the street—and put your hand in the air.” No matter what, Rafael didn’t want him to get mugged or stumble his drunk ass in front of a car.

“I know how to hail a fuckin’ cab,” Sonny griped.

“Then do it.”

Sonny heaved a great sigh, like it would take every ounce of strength he had, and at this point that might be true, but Rafael soon heard the opening of a car door.

“Do you remember your address?” It was only half a joke. Two nights ago he’d had to have Sonny hand the driver his phone so Rafael could rattle off the cross streets.

“Can I just give him yours?” Sonny sounded hopeful. It was a hard thing, trying to kill the hope inside someone as bright and good as Sonny Carisi, but Rafael knew it was what he had to do.

“No, you can’t come here.” He didn’t know if he’d listen, held his breath, but then let it out when he heard Sonny give his Brooklyn address.

They were both quiet for awhile, Rafael listening to the sounds of muffled late night New York coming from Sonny’s phone.

“I just…” Sonny started and stopped, voice breaking. “I don’t understand why you can’t forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. That’s not what this is.” Rafael wished it was that simple, almost wished that Rollins had welcomed Sonny’s advances, that they’d slept together in a shitty motel in West Virginia. It would have made things cleaner. You cheated on me, we’re done.

Instead they were in this gray area that Sonny refused to accept and Rafael couldn’t fully explain.

Silence fell over them again until Rafael heard the shuffling of payment and a mumbled “Thank you,” as Sonny climbed out of the cab. He listened as Sonny struggled with the locks of the two outer doors of his building, listened as he trudged up the four flights of stairs to his apartment.

Finally, his apartment door slammed, more out of Sonny’s dulled sense of coordination than anger, but Rafael jumped all the same.

“Drink some water. Get some sleep, okay?” Rafael instructed, prepared to end the call now that he knew Sonny was home safe.

“I hate you,” Sonny almost whispered. There was no venom in his words, but the pain found there was enough to break Rafael’s heart in two. “I hate you for doing this to us. To me.”

“That’s fine,” Rafael said. "You can hate me.” It would be easier that way, Rafael thought. He’d gladly take dirty looks in the squad room and insults at his legal abilities over these calls, which only served to rake his soul over hot coals and wear down his resolve.

“What the fuck? That’s it? That’s the answer? No! You’re supposed to fight for me. You’re supposed to want me.” As fast as the anger was there it fizzled out halfway through the rant. “Why don’t you want me?”

Rafael lied easily and often, fibs and white lies designed to get him out of social engagements or platitudes meant to assure a reluctant witness, but never when it mattered. Never with the law and never with those he cared about. Until now. “I’m sorry, Sonny, I...I just don’t.”

It was quiet on the other end and Rafael took a deep breath. “I’m going to let you go now, okay?”

The weight of his words weren’t lost on either of them. Even in his current state, Sonny heard the finality of them. “Okay,” his voice was small and far away, sounding not at all like him.

Rafael fought the urge to comfort him, instead ending the call and scrubbing a hand over his face. He stared at the phone a moment, of half a mind to call Sonny back, to apologize, to tell him it would be okay. Instead he put it back on the nightstand, face down as if that made a difference, and tried to go back to sleep.


End file.
